Fanfiction (En) on Roxana-Mălina Chirilă

AU Bleach via hijacked subtitles

Wed, 14 Aug 2013 21:03:10 +0000

Many years ago, I ran into this fan-subtitled version of the Bleach anime. The subs were good – until the second half of episode 41, where they were hijacked by someone out to troll, who replaced perfectly good lines with gangsta „You owe me money, bitch!” and sex-related themes.

In other words, this nice, clean anime about loyalty and friendship and fighting for what’s right turned into its complete opposite under my terrified eyes, thanks to the insane ideas of whoever was in charge of the subtitles. Poof! There goes your innocence.

I don’t know who the people/person who did this were/was, but I would like to thank them from the bottom of my heart. That version of the second half of episode 41 is one of my favorite things ever. The subs just work with the images perfectly – and this was long before Hitler was taken over by Youtube and turned into a meme. And, by the way, Hitler was easier to do, because it mostly just him talking. Here we have a number of characters, with emotions going everywhere, a flashback and so on and so forth – and yet the crazy subtitle person went ahead and created a perfectly coherent if extremely deranged plot.

Whenever I’m in the mood for complete crack, I play it to see the improbable ’everybody owes Ichigo money’ plot, combined with the way more improbable secondary plot of Byakuya being an abusive, perverted, gay (or bi and incestuous?… hard to tell) weirdo.

There’s a few brilliant lines in there. By the way, the first time I watched it, it was probably the following line which tipped me off that the subs were fake.

So, the deranged, gay, money-owing plot goes like this: Byakuya (pictured above) has a bit of a fight with Ganju over money and sex – which is when Byakuya says that line above. Ganju is defeated and ends up in a pool of blood. Byakuya is about to keep attacking, but white-haired Ukitake shows up to complain about being cheated on – and about their relationship in general:

And to drop a bomb on Byakuya (related to, say, the actual plot of Bleach XD):

Then Ichigo shows up on the scene. And he apparently came for a very important reason: to get his money back from Hanataro!

But Hanataro doesn’t have it, so Ichigo turns to Rukia, who has a sudden flashback of the event – we find out she owes Ichigo a lot of money. Like, 50 yen (that’s about half a dollar). Unfortunately, she can’t pay him back.

We switch back to the present, where Ichigo finally notices Ganju lying around looking dead. And he remembers that „that dead guy” owed him money as well. What to do, what to do?… He tells Rukia she’ll pay with her debt with her body. She complains a bit, then says yes. Ichigo is pleased, of course.

But, oh no! Byakuya thinks he also has rights to Rukia. He argues with Ichigo and it gets to drawn swords. Perverted Byakuya takes his out and wants to play this game called „drop your and pants”. He explains it to Ichigo:

Ichigo, as you can see from his expression, isn’t very happy about it. The tension builds and builds – and it turns out that Byakuya owed money to Ichigo, too, because he borrowed money from Rukia!

Luckily, just about the time disaster is about to happen and the perverted, creepy Byakuya is about to fight hard and good with the money-lending pimp-ish Ichigo, Yoruichi shows up to stop the fight with a devastating revelation: Byakuya owes her money.

…to be continued!!!

Seriously, this is some of the most hilarious crack ever. It’s amazing what you can do with the wrong set of subtitles. It’s brilliant without knowing the show and it’s even more brilliant when knowing the show and knowing that Byakuya is probably the most law-abiding, rule-following, elegant and proper person. And the ‘you owe me, bitch, I’ll kill you’ Ichigo is in perfect contrast with his real ‘I will protect you and save you’ anime hero self.

Although I do believe the real Yoruichi would be thrilled to say the „you owe me, too” line.

So, thank you to whoever created this absolutely vulgar, deranged, gangster parody of Bleach. It is in horrible taste and it’s bloody amazing. You are part of the reason why I know how to create subtitles in the first place. And you’ve cheered many an evening for both me and my friends.

Wondering what I should re-read…

Fri, 26 Jul 2013 09:32:45 +0000

Three choices, all of which are awesome stories.

Lightning on the Wave’s Sacrifices series. Because it’s a wonderful mess of great characters, great writing, poetry references and psychological stuff. I loved it and I only read it once. Bad points: it’s 3 million words long. Good points: subtlety, great writing, I can’t remember things in it very well but I’d want to. It’s basically a series that starts with a gritting mindfuck and something that’s clearly wrong:

„What are your vows, Harry?”

Harry knew what they were, even though he was only five. He whispered them as his mother held him over his brother’s bed, and his mother said them with him, murmured hypnotic words that Harry had heard his whole life.

Think about it. A kid who has vows. Since he was 5. It only becomes horrible and then wonderful from there. Also the only story to make me wish I understood poetry more.

Peppermint Quartz’s Psychoverse. It’s got one of the most psychotic love relationships I’ve ever read. And it’s filled with disturbing scenes of the BDSM kind (not the 50 Shades stuff, I’m talking the real thing and then some), and of the freely psychopathic horror kind. When I first read it three years ago, I was giggling with horror and fascination and couldn’t stop talking about it. Bad points: I really need to dig up my list of which stories were part of it and in what order. Also, the writing isn’t that good in the beginning, although it gets better. There’s horror stuff going on. The author’s favorite way to move the plot forward is through porn. Good points: fascinating and horrible. It’s an interesting insight into psycho ways of thinking. It has occasional places where things and ideas just claw their way into your head and refuse to leave.

Thinking of Aizen made Ichigo tighten his grip on the battered steering wheel. He had actually begun to empathize with the traitor after spending almost two months with him and Ichimaru. He had fallen into their circle. They had wrapped everyone they came across into a spell – people saw the warmth and love they had for each other, and they wanted into that warmth. Hungered for it. Fought for it. Died for it.

Ichigo now realized that all the warmth was real, tender and genuine, and restricted to the two of them. They generated heat, that was true, but the heat didn’t touch any other person that they interacted with, merely a lure to lead the credulous in.

That pretty much__ describes the disturbed relationship of the story. The other parts are… less disturbing. Always a fascinating read, but clocking at over half a million words somewhere. Maybe more. I didn’t add everything up.__

Phoenix.writing’s _The Problem with Purity. _Basically a romance, but one with a plot, a very neat writing style and interesting ideas. I read it back when it came out, but I’ve always wanted to re-read. Good points: fancy writing, clever characters. Bad points: I can’t recall one, but maybe I’m not as enthused about it as about the others right now.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

But why Hermione/Loki?!

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:06:00 +0000

I’ve been going through fanvids today and I am amazed at the sheer number of Hermione/Loki ones out there. Last year I remember running into one and being surprised, now there’s pages and pages of them.

Is this a mini-fandom now? Does it have a portmanteau name?

…and are there any good fanfics in it? 😀

Flash fics for KD Heart

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 14:57:05 +0000

A friend of mine, KD Heart, is participating in what is probably a really bad idea. Namely, a challenge to record fanfiction. No prizes as such, that I know of, but she’s having fun. This is for her 😛 All the rest of you are probably way better off ignoring this current batch of crazy crap. I mean, you probably like your sanity and all that.

1. That Woman – Discworld x Sherlock (BBC) x Harry Potter. Havelock Vetinari/Irene Adler. Severus Snape/Irene Adler.

It was a secret of Havelock Vetinari that he should get some of the more sensitive devices he needed in order to be a proper tyrant from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The magic was unfamiliar enough in his own home Discworld that nobody really knew how to counter it yet. And he needed it to solve the issue of a very dead ambassador from the other side of the Disc – there was no point in conducting a war, after all.

It was during one of his expeditions to Hogwarts that he encountered Irene Adler, former Slytherin and current spy in the Muggle world, involved in high politics via her high talents. He first got a hint of those talents when he found himself noticing that she was a woman – such a thing rarely happened to him. Of course, people were classified into male and female, but it wasn’t often that the Patrician of Ankh Morpork would find himself considering notions like ‘feminine mystique’, or pondering on the nature of romance, the body, the spirit and their interconnection. He noticed the phenomenon, classified it as attraction (or even a certain in-love mood) and proceeded to function just the same despite it.

When she caught him alone in an office, as he was waiting for Snape to bring him a potion that would allow him to turn into another’s likeness for awhile (so he could pretend to be said dead ambassador until the mystery got solved), he gave in to her charm and took some delight in her perfume and delicacy as she kissed him. It would never go any further, he told himself. She was attracted to women and he had no attractions.

Except her.

Another time, she came to him out of nowhere, asking him to bring her a bottle of narrativum from his world, because she needed some things to work according to narrative causality. He did it without a second thought, although he asked himself why he felt he should have protested, or asked for anything in return, as he normally would have.

On yet another occasion, a cool Severus Snape told him she had veela blood, so the Patrician would be wiser to stay away from her. Vetinari noted it down – not as warning, he was wise enough never to have disclosed anything of importance to her – but as a curiosity. Although his curiosity peaked when he noticed the very same Severus Snape kissing her hand in deference and attempting to move to more romantic areas, which she seemed to be permitting, within limits.

That woman was a mystery who seemed to be able to get under the skin of any man. So he gave her a huge bag of money and asked her to work her magic on Sherlock Holmes and get him to do her a favor by solving the mystery of the dead ambassador Vetinari had on his hands. If that didn’t work out… well… the person who had sent the ambassador was a very powerful queen who would undoubtedly be interested in Irene.

Vetinari was certain he had a heart, somewhere. It was just very lost in politics. He was sure Irene would understand that.

2. Dreams and Wizards – The Dresden Files x The Sandman

„I’m not in the Nevernever,” Harry Dresden said. „And I’m not in Faerie. I don’t know where I am. What’s this Dreaming? Am I dreaming? I remember there was this pollen, and some guy, and then I was back there somewhere, not sure where.”

„The world is big,” she replied simply. „It’s like spaghetti, everything touching. Now you’re between my brother and I, except he used to be a little boy before he was my brother, so he’s not very good at this yet.”

„So how exactly am I supposed to find my way in all this?” he asked. But the girl had already turned into a goldfish and flown into the dawn. Harry chose a random direction and hoped it would take him home.

3. Masters of the Game – Bleach x Doctor Who. Aizen/female-Master.

There was a loud sound that reminded him of pipes screeching against each other. Aizen smiled a small smile. What they hadn’t realized was that he had planned it all – his rise, his war, his fall, his capture, his imprisonment. He had the entirety of eternity to wait, but he had only needed to contact the right person to ensure that he would return on top when everybody thought he was fallen forever. The fools!

A rather unimpressive Greek column materialized into existence. A part of it opened and… a woman?… stepped out. She was striking, in quite a lot of ways. Long legs, heels, a long red dress, breasts that Aizen was quite certain defied gravity in a few ways, a mane of beautiful, curly red hair and… well. Nobody was perfect. It wasn’t her short stature that was really an issue, but…

„You are finally here.”

„It’s the right day,” she said, cutting him out of his confinement. „I went back in time to ask you if you were sure this was when you wanted to be freed.”

„I recall that. Seven years of waiting. But now, it is all ready. I will ruin your Doctor. I assume he is the reason behind your change of looks?”

„Unfortunately. I will make certain your Ichigo is out of the picture.”

Aizen took her hand. Things like romance were so much more familiar now that the Master was female. He’d never been particularly fond of men. „Yes, my sweet,” he said. „Together, we are unstoppable. Although I must ask…”

„Yes?”

„What’s with the beard?”

The Master scowled. „Dwarf. I get to be a dwarf this time.”

Well, Aizen thought. All he needed was to hypnotize himself out of noticing that. Then everything would go well. Until he got rid of her and ruled the world himself.

4. The Agents – James Bond x The Agency.

Somewhere in a bar. Night. Two strangers talking. One is kind of drunk. The other probably isn’t.

„Don’t you sometimes feel that everybody around you in the office is wayyyyyyyyy too stuck-up and always totally prim and proper and they should lay back and relax?” Lex asked, hanging on to a glass.

„No,” James Bond answered.

„And that women are unapproachable? I mean, there’s these chicks who are soooo hot and classy, but they never go for you because they’re too good for you, know what I mean?”

„No.”

„And maaaan, sometimes they make you fly when you hate airplanes, no?”

„I’m fine with airplanes.”

„You and I, we’re the same,” Lex said. „Let’s be friends!”

James felt his right hand grabbed in a friendly gesture. He didn’t really feel like fraternizing, but it would be too much trouble to say anything.

After five minutes, however, he decided to give Lex a clue on social norms. „Shaken,” he said. „Not stirred.”

On the other side of his hand, Lex kept staring fascinated at Bond’s hand, as he brought it up and down and up and down and up and down in slow, fun little circles.

5. Vampires and Ninjas Buffy the Vampire Slayer x Naruto, Spike/Sakura.

Spike doubled when he saw her hair. Not that his hair was entirely natural, mind you, but the young woman’s was just… pink. She pointed towards him and said something in Japanese. And it was funny, but despite being quite so old, Spike didn’t speak quite any language. Chinese?… Maybe. Sometimes. In passing. Vaguely. Where’s the library, that sort of thing. Japanese?… Nearly nothing at all.

„Alright, kid, you’re going to get out of my way now, I was hunting somebody down,” he told her. She said something back in Japanese, which sounded just as annoyed as he felt. „I’m a vampire and I’ve got a few centuries on you, so why don’t you stop being such a pissy little thing and get away. I don’t want to hurt you.”

She said something else. And got out a knife. He took a step towards her. She took a step towards him. And then there was a fight, right there, right then, in the parking lot, crashing into cars and all those wonderful things. One of those in which you could barely tell the person for the blur. He could barely keep up – but in the end he did.

„A Slayer?” he asked, as they separated and started circling each other. „You’re a Slayer?”

She seemed to get the word. No surprise, considering the number of Slayers around the world, after Buffy pulled her stunt. „No.” Yeah, he could’ve understood the ‘iie’ as well. „Ninja.”

„Ninja?” he said. „Oh, cool. Will you get out of the way now?”

His circling had brought him where he wanted to be, so he started backing off, ready to break off and run after the other vampire. The chit with pink hair didn’t seem pleased. So he turned and dashed off, confident that he was quicker.

…the flying car landed right in front of him. It could’ve landed right on top of him, too, but he’d stopped in time. He turned to see her holding another car above her head, ready to throw that one.

It wasn’t quite love at first sight. But it was love at first throw anyway.