O revistă pentru femei pe care aș citi-o

Fri, 14 Feb 2014 08:41:11 +0000

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Revista Zburătoarea, februarie 2014

…De ce nu? M-am plictisit de Cosmopolitan, Elle, Unica și alte cum-să-uri care-mi povestesc cum să fiu frumoasă, aranjată și să-mi țin bărbatul acasă.

Imaginea de pe copertă e de aici. Ediția e despre victorieni pentru că sunt singurii de care sunt sigură că au pozele ieșite din copyright.

Susanna Clarke e autoarea romanului „Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell” și a colecției „Doamnele din Grace Adieu și alte povestiri”. Acțiunea nu se petrece chiar în perioada victoriană, dar e suficient de aproape.

Anais Nin era amanta lui Henry Miller, autoarea unor povestiri erotice faimoase și a unor memorii cam la fel de faimoase și cam la fel de erotice.

Vibratoarele au început să apară (și să ajungă la modă) prin secolul 19, când se credea că pot trata isteria, care era considerată o boală în toată regula. După care au început să dispară (o fi fost vreo discrepanță între pudoarea victoriană și rețetă farmaceutică legată de orgasme), dar au revenit în forță în timpul revoluției sexuale.

Picitorialul ar fi cu niște bărbați care pozau prea explicit pentru copertă (și nu bag mâna-n foc că nu erau de la începutul secolului XX).

Singura problemă fiind, bineînțeles, că revista asta nu există. Am inventat-o în toiul nopții dintr-o nebunie de moment. Nici măcar nu e în Photoshop, ci în mini-progrămelul de editare de poze PhotoScape… și Paint. Da, ăla de-i zicea Paintbrush în antichitatea calculatoarelor.

Aș fi putut să-i zic „Playgirl”, dar deja există și de pe coperți văd că a avut tot felul de sfaturi despre cum să-ți îmbunătățești viața sexuală, cum să-ți găsești un iubit, cum să faci sex pe plajă și alte prostii. Așa că, sub influența ultimului zburător, i-am dat un nume nou.

AU Bleach via hijacked subtitles

Wed, 14 Aug 2013 21:03:10 +0000

Many years ago, I ran into this fan-subtitled version of the Bleach anime. The subs were good – until the second half of episode 41, where they were hijacked by someone out to troll, who replaced perfectly good lines with gangsta „You owe me money, bitch!” and sex-related themes.

In other words, this nice, clean anime about loyalty and friendship and fighting for what’s right turned into its complete opposite under my terrified eyes, thanks to the insane ideas of whoever was in charge of the subtitles. Poof! There goes your innocence.

I don’t know who the people/person who did this were/was, but I would like to thank them from the bottom of my heart. That version of the second half of episode 41 is one of my favorite things ever. The subs just work with the images perfectly – and this was long before Hitler was taken over by Youtube and turned into a meme. And, by the way, Hitler was easier to do, because it mostly just him talking. Here we have a number of characters, with emotions going everywhere, a flashback and so on and so forth – and yet the crazy subtitle person went ahead and created a perfectly coherent if extremely deranged plot.

Whenever I’m in the mood for complete crack, I play it to see the improbable ’everybody owes Ichigo money’ plot, combined with the way more improbable secondary plot of Byakuya being an abusive, perverted, gay (or bi and incestuous?… hard to tell) weirdo.

There’s a few brilliant lines in there. By the way, the first time I watched it, it was probably the following line which tipped me off that the subs were fake.

So, the deranged, gay, money-owing plot goes like this: Byakuya (pictured above) has a bit of a fight with Ganju over money and sex – which is when Byakuya says that line above. Ganju is defeated and ends up in a pool of blood. Byakuya is about to keep attacking, but white-haired Ukitake shows up to complain about being cheated on – and about their relationship in general:

And to drop a bomb on Byakuya (related to, say, the actual plot of Bleach XD):

Then Ichigo shows up on the scene. And he apparently came for a very important reason: to get his money back from Hanataro!

But Hanataro doesn’t have it, so Ichigo turns to Rukia, who has a sudden flashback of the event – we find out she owes Ichigo a lot of money. Like, 50 yen (that’s about half a dollar). Unfortunately, she can’t pay him back.

We switch back to the present, where Ichigo finally notices Ganju lying around looking dead. And he remembers that „that dead guy” owed him money as well. What to do, what to do?… He tells Rukia she’ll pay with her debt with her body. She complains a bit, then says yes. Ichigo is pleased, of course.

But, oh no! Byakuya thinks he also has rights to Rukia. He argues with Ichigo and it gets to drawn swords. Perverted Byakuya takes his out and wants to play this game called „drop your and pants”. He explains it to Ichigo:

Ichigo, as you can see from his expression, isn’t very happy about it. The tension builds and builds – and it turns out that Byakuya owed money to Ichigo, too, because he borrowed money from Rukia!

Luckily, just about the time disaster is about to happen and the perverted, creepy Byakuya is about to fight hard and good with the money-lending pimp-ish Ichigo, Yoruichi shows up to stop the fight with a devastating revelation: Byakuya owes her money.

…to be continued!!!

Seriously, this is some of the most hilarious crack ever. It’s amazing what you can do with the wrong set of subtitles. It’s brilliant without knowing the show and it’s even more brilliant when knowing the show and knowing that Byakuya is probably the most law-abiding, rule-following, elegant and proper person. And the ‘you owe me, bitch, I’ll kill you’ Ichigo is in perfect contrast with his real ‘I will protect you and save you’ anime hero self.

Although I do believe the real Yoruichi would be thrilled to say the „you owe me, too” line.

So, thank you to whoever created this absolutely vulgar, deranged, gangster parody of Bleach. It is in horrible taste and it’s bloody amazing. You are part of the reason why I know how to create subtitles in the first place. And you’ve cheered many an evening for both me and my friends.

Crack on Roxana-Mălina Chirilă

O revistă pentru femei pe care aș citi-o

AU Bleach via hijacked subtitles