AU Bleach via hijacked subtitles

Many years ago, I ran into this fan-subtitled version of the Bleach anime. The subs were good – until the second half of episode 41, where they were hijacked by someone out to troll, who replaced perfectly good lines with gangsta “You owe me money, bitch!” and sex-related themes.

In other words, this nice, clean anime about loyalty and friendship and fighting for what’s right turned into its complete opposite under my terrified eyes, thanks to the insane ideas of whoever was in charge of the subtitles. Poof! There goes your innocence.

I don’t know who the people/person who did this were/was, but I would like to thank them from the bottom of my heart. That version of the second half of episode 41 is one of my favorite things ever. The subs just work with the images perfectly – and this was long before Hitler was taken over by Youtube and turned into a meme. And, by the way, Hitler was easier to do, because it mostly just him talking. Here we have a number of characters, with emotions going everywhere, a flashback and so on and so forth – and yet the crazy subtitle person went ahead and created a perfectly coherent if extremely deranged plot.

Whenever I’m in the mood for complete crack, I play it to see the improbable ‘everybody owes Ichigo money’ plot, combined with the way more improbable secondary plot of Byakuya being an abusive, perverted, gay (or bi and incestuous?… hard to tell) weirdo.

There’s a few brilliant lines in there. By the way, the first time I watched it, it was probably the following line which tipped me off that the subs were fake. shot0004

So, the deranged, gay, money-owing plot goes like this: Byakuya (pictured above) has a bit of a fight with Ganju over money and sex – which is when Byakuya says that line above. Ganju is defeated and ends up in a pool of blood. Byakuya is about to keep attacking, but white-haired Ukitake shows up to complain about being cheated on – and about their relationship in general:

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And to drop a bomb on Byakuya (related to, say, the actual plot of Bleach XD):

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Then Ichigo shows up on the scene. And he apparently came for a very important reason: to get his money back from Hanataro!

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But Hanataro doesn’t have it, so Ichigo turns to Rukia, who has a sudden flashback of the event – we find out she owes Ichigo a lot of money. Like, 50 yen (that’s about half a dollar). Unfortunately, she can’t pay him back.

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We switch back to the present, where Ichigo finally notices Ganju lying around looking dead. And he remembers that “that dead guy” owed him money as well. What to do, what to do?… He tells Rukia she’ll pay with her debt with her body. She complains a bit, then says yes. Ichigo is pleased, of course.

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But, oh no! Byakuya thinks he also has rights to Rukia. He argues with Ichigo and it gets to drawn swords. Perverted Byakuya takes his out and wants to play this game called “drop your and pants”. He explains it to Ichigo:

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Ichigo, as you can see from his expression, isn’t very happy about it. The tension builds and builds – and it turns out that Byakuya owed money to Ichigo, too, because he borrowed money from Rukia!

Luckily, just about the time disaster is about to happen and the perverted, creepy Byakuya is about to fight hard and good with the money-lending pimp-ish Ichigo, Yoruichi shows up to stop the fight with a devastating revelation: Byakuya owes her money.

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…to be continued!!!

Seriously, this is some of the most hilarious crack ever. It’s amazing what you can do with the wrong set of subtitles. It’s brilliant without knowing the show and it’s even more brilliant when knowing the show and knowing that Byakuya is probably the most law-abiding, rule-following, elegant and proper person. And the ‘you owe me, bitch, I’ll kill you’ Ichigo is in perfect contrast with his real ‘I will protect you and save you’ anime hero self.

Although I do believe the real Yoruichi would be thrilled to say the “you owe me, too” line.

So, thank you to whoever created this absolutely vulgar, deranged, gangster parody of Bleach. It is in horrible taste and it’s bloody amazing. You are part of the reason why I know how to create subtitles in the first place. And you’ve cheered many an evening for both me and my friends.

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