A friend of mine, KD Heart, is participating in what is probably a really bad idea. Namely, a challenge to record fanfiction. No prizes as such, that I know of, but she’s having fun. This is for her 😛 All the rest of you are probably way better off ignoring this current batch of crazy crap. I mean, you probably like your sanity and all that.
1. That Woman – Discworld x Sherlock (BBC) x Harry Potter. Havelock Vetinari/Irene Adler. Severus Snape/Irene Adler.
It was a secret of Havelock Vetinari that he should get some of the more sensitive devices he needed in order to be a proper tyrant from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The magic was unfamiliar enough in his own home Discworld that nobody really knew how to counter it yet. And he needed it to solve the issue of a very dead ambassador from the other side of the Disc – there was no point in conducting a war, after all.
It was during one of his expeditions to Hogwarts that he encountered Irene Adler, former Slytherin and current spy in the Muggle world, involved in high politics via her high talents. He first got a hint of those talents when he found himself noticing that she was a woman – such a thing rarely happened to him. Of course, people were classified into male and female, but it wasn’t often that the Patrician of Ankh Morpork would find himself considering notions like ‘feminine mystique’, or pondering on the nature of romance, the body, the spirit and their interconnection. He noticed the phenomenon, classified it as attraction (or even a certain in-love mood) and proceeded to function just the same despite it.
When she caught him alone in an office, as he was waiting for Snape to bring him a potion that would allow him to turn into another’s likeness for awhile (so he could pretend to be said dead ambassador until the mystery got solved), he gave in to her charm and took some delight in her perfume and delicacy as she kissed him. It would never go any further, he told himself. She was attracted to women and he had no attractions.
Another time, she came to him out of nowhere, asking him to bring her a bottle of narrativum from his world, because she needed some things to work according to narrative causality. He did it without a second thought, although he asked himself why he felt he should have protested, or asked for anything in return, as he normally would have.
On yet another occasion, a cool Severus Snape told him she had veela blood, so the Patrician would be wiser to stay away from her. Vetinari noted it down – not as warning, he was wise enough never to have disclosed anything of importance to her – but as a curiosity. Although his curiosity peaked when he noticed the very same Severus Snape kissing her hand in deference and attempting to move to more romantic areas, which she seemed to be permitting, within limits.
That woman was a mystery who seemed to be able to get under the skin of any man. So he gave her a huge bag of money and asked her to work her magic on Sherlock Holmes and get him to do her a favor by solving the mystery of the dead ambassador Vetinari had on his hands. If that didn’t work out… well… the person who had sent the ambassador was a very powerful queen who would undoubtedly be interested in Irene.
Vetinari was certain he had a heart, somewhere. It was just very lost in politics. He was sure Irene would understand that.
2. Dreams and Wizards – The Dresden Files x The Sandman
„I’m not in the Nevernever,” Harry Dresden said. „And I’m not in Faerie. I don’t know where I am. What’s this Dreaming? Am I dreaming? I remember there was this pollen, and some guy, and then I was back there somewhere, not sure where.”
„The world is big,” she replied simply. „It’s like spaghetti, everything touching. Now you’re between my brother and I, except he used to be a little boy before he was my brother, so he’s not very good at this yet.”
„So how exactly am I supposed to find my way in all this?” he asked. But the girl had already turned into a goldfish and flown into the dawn. Harry chose a random direction and hoped it would take him home.
3. Masters of the Game – Bleach x Doctor Who. Aizen/female-Master.
There was a loud sound that reminded him of pipes screeching against each other. Aizen smiled a small smile. What they hadn’t realized was that he had planned it all – his rise, his war, his fall, his capture, his imprisonment. He had the entirety of eternity to wait, but he had only needed to contact the right person to ensure that he would return on top when everybody thought he was fallen forever. The fools!
A rather unimpressive Greek column materialized into existence. A part of it opened and… a woman?… stepped out. She was striking, in quite a lot of ways. Long legs, heels, a long red dress, breasts that Aizen was quite certain defied gravity in a few ways, a mane of beautiful, curly red hair and… well. Nobody was perfect. It wasn’t her short stature that was really an issue, but…
„You are finally here.”
„It’s the right day,” she said, cutting him out of his confinement. „I went back in time to ask you if you were sure this was when you wanted to be freed.”
„I recall that. Seven years of waiting. But now, it is all ready. I will ruin your Doctor. I assume he is the reason behind your change of looks?”
„Unfortunately. I will make certain your Ichigo is out of the picture.”
Aizen took her hand. Things like romance were so much more familiar now that the Master was female. He’d never been particularly fond of men. „Yes, my sweet,” he said. „Together, we are unstoppable. Although I must ask…”
„What’s with the beard?”
The Master scowled. „Dwarf. I get to be a dwarf this time.”
Well, Aizen thought. All he needed was to hypnotize himself out of noticing that. Then everything would go well. Until he got rid of her and ruled the world himself.
4. The Agents – James Bond x The Agency.
Somewhere in a bar. Night. Two strangers talking. One is kind of drunk. The other probably isn’t.
„Don’t you sometimes feel that everybody around you in the office is wayyyyyyyyy too stuck-up and always totally prim and proper and they should lay back and relax?” Lex asked, hanging on to a glass.
„No,” James Bond answered.
„And that women are unapproachable? I mean, there’s these chicks who are soooo hot and classy, but they never go for you because they’re too good for you, know what I mean?”
„And maaaan, sometimes they make you fly when you hate airplanes, no?”
„I’m fine with airplanes.”
„You and I, we’re the same,” Lex said. „Let’s be friends!”
James felt his right hand grabbed in a friendly gesture. He didn’t really feel like fraternizing, but it would be too much trouble to say anything.
After five minutes, however, he decided to give Lex a clue on social norms. „Shaken,” he said. „Not stirred.”
On the other side of his hand, Lex kept staring fascinated at Bond’s hand, as he brought it up and down and up and down and up and down in slow, fun little circles.
5. Vampires and Ninjas Buffy the Vampire Slayer x Naruto, Spike/Sakura.
Spike doubled when he saw her hair. Not that his hair was entirely natural, mind you, but the young woman’s was just… pink. She pointed towards him and said something in Japanese. And it was funny, but despite being quite so old, Spike didn’t speak quite any language. Chinese?… Maybe. Sometimes. In passing. Vaguely. Where’s the library, that sort of thing. Japanese?… Nearly nothing at all.
„Alright, kid, you’re going to get out of my way now, I was hunting somebody down,” he told her. She said something back in Japanese, which sounded just as annoyed as he felt. „I’m a vampire and I’ve got a few centuries on you, so why don’t you stop being such a pissy little thing and get away. I don’t want to hurt you.”
She said something else. And got out a knife. He took a step towards her. She took a step towards him. And then there was a fight, right there, right then, in the parking lot, crashing into cars and all those wonderful things. One of those in which you could barely tell the person for the blur. He could barely keep up – but in the end he did.
„A Slayer?” he asked, as they separated and started circling each other. „You’re a Slayer?”
She seemed to get the word. No surprise, considering the number of Slayers around the world, after Buffy pulled her stunt. „No.” Yeah, he could’ve understood the ‘iie’ as well. „Ninja.”
„Ninja?” he said. „Oh, cool. Will you get out of the way now?”
His circling had brought him where he wanted to be, so he started backing off, ready to break off and run after the other vampire. The chit with pink hair didn’t seem pleased. So he turned and dashed off, confident that he was quicker.
…the flying car landed right in front of him. It could’ve landed right on top of him, too, but he’d stopped in time. He turned to see her holding another car above her head, ready to throw that one.
It wasn’t quite love at first sight. But it was love at first throw anyway.